Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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