My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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