its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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