things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
