I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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