how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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