sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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