i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
