He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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