FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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