you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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