I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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