I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
