OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
