Where are you?
In a non slutty way
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize