I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
