Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
