how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Randomize
