Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize