Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
