why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
