Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
