it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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