Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
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