You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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