How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
