fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
