I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
