he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
tonight lets celebrate not being married
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize