i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
NoShamevember. You game?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
