Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
You are a genius and a whore.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
