You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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