no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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