Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
