so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Randomize
