He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Randomize
