Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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