Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
