I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
