You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
