Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
