Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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