Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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