We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
