I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
