I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
did i walk over a car last night?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
