no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
