I think I died a long time ago.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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