dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize