if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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