you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Just invented taco cereal.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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