Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Randomize
