Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize