Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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