DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
