Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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