An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
