I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
