i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize