I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
