I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
