Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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